Selfish Children

076Other people’s selfish children can be annoying. But when it’s your own child being selfish, it can be downright disheartening. It’s embarrassing to see your child shamelessly display incredible self-centeredness in public.

I believe the best way to teach your children generosity is by example. Jesus is the ultimate example of generosity, and if you are not following His example, probably your children aren’t either. Do your children hear you calling them, “Hey guys, come here! I have a treat to share with you!” Or are they used to, “No! Get away from that! That’s mine, don’t touch it!” Does your home teach your children the joy of generosity, or the burdensome task carefully guarding your stuff for yourself?

Secondly, children need to have the freedom to be selfish if they are to learn genuine generosity. If they are being forced to share their stuff with others, then they are not really learning to do so. They will likely spring back to selfishness as soon as the authority figure leaves the room. They need to know their stuff is theirs. Theirs to keep. Theirs to give.  

When selfish hearts get vocal at our house, the envied toy automatically goes to the person to whom it belongs. The other child may then politely ask for permission to play with it. The owner of the toy gets to make the ultimate decision whether to share or not, but they are strongly encouraged to do so. Here are some questions I often ask to get them thinking about generosity:

  • “Do you like it when I share my ice cream [or other item you’ve recently shared] with you?” (Of course the answer is, “Yes.”) “Then you should also share your stuff with your brother.”
  • “I think it would really bless your brother if you let him play with it. Would you like to bless him by letting him play with it for a little while?”
  • “You can say ‘no’ if you want to, but that’s called ‘selfishness.’ It’s wrong to be selfish, and it makes Jesus sad when we’re selfish. Would you rather share like Jesus shares?”
  • “Jesus is very kind to us, isn’t He? He always shares His stuff with us, and He says that we should be like Him and share our stuff with others.”

When children are given the freedom to share and the freedom to be selfish, they will better own their decision. As you point to Jesus’ example of generosity and imitate it yourself, you will likely see your children follow in your footsteps.

And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us… Ephesians 5:2

A Child With Self-Discipline

034 (2)“Some parents try to give their children an easier life than they had or they try to make their children feel good at the expense of good character. Unfortunately, this often translates into more freedom and less self-control. A wise parent will use childhood to prepare a child for success as an adult. Self discipline is one of the most important character qualities a child can develop. Ironically, spoiled children are not happy; self disciplined children often are!”

This excerpt was taken from an article on helping your child develop self-discipline

Give Them Choices

148One piece of advice stood out to me when reading Parenting by the Book by Rosemond:

The parent’s job is to train their children to make good choices. 

I’ve learned to give them an array of mini-choices in their pre-school ages. I’ll give them two options, “You can wear this or that, it’s your choice.” But before I set them free to choose, I offer my advice: “If you wear this, it won’t really match, and it will look a little weird. But if you wear this, it will look very cute.” In a more serious situation, it may sound like this: “You can choose to share or not, but if you choose not to, tomorrow no one will be allowed to share with you.”

There’s limits to this freedom, of course. On picture day, I’m going to override my daughter’s privilege to choose to wear a baggy red t-shirt, pink skirt, and snow boots. But in general, feeding my children bits of age-appropriate freedom has kept them from biting at the bit, and fighting me on all my rules. It helps them realize that they are responsible for their actions, and causes them to come to us for help, which is exactly what we are hoping for.

If we can inspire them to make good choices now, then we can look forward to watching them make good choices when they are grown.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6